I used to blog after work. I would clock out from my work-from-home-telecommuting job at 3:15am and then come to WordPress and spew out all the rants and venting from the usually crappy day I’d had.  I would end up staying up til 7 or 8 am, helping get the kids off to school, then crashing from exhaustion. Then I’d wake up either just as the girls were getting home from school, or I’d lay in bed and pull the pillows over my head and tell my oldest to make dinner.  Depression had a really tight hold on me, and I just wanted the world to go away.

Well, when we moved, I knew I had to be awake more during the day to help move stuff and meet with the owners etc, so I got used to going to bed right after my shift. This allowed me to be awake by 10:30am and still have well over 6 hours of sleep, and if I slept til noon, I got 8 hours at least.  That gave me 3-5 or more of daylight time without the kids here, and during time when businesses were open.  Being in the new house plus having more daylight hours and time alone in my house has done wonders for my depression.  I was worried I was going to have to go on Zoloft or Prozac and the stories I’d read about those weren’t all good.  Now, this week has tested my patience.  It’s Spring Break. AND the week before that, 6 was home all week under Dr orders with….. Chicken Pox!  She had the vaccination when she was a baby, but she still managed to get the rash, though it was very mild thank goodness. It was nothing compared to when I had it at age 7. I still have scars.  Anyway, so, I’ve not had the house to myself for the last two weeks, so I’m getting a little nutsy again.  I’m afraid this summer is going to be rough.  6 apparently has found no less than 4 new friends here and they love to come into my house and raid my fridge.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my kids having friends and a room they can have friends in,  but I don’t want to end up being the neighborhood’s daycare this summer.  Besides, at least 2 of the kids don’t speak English. Jeeze.

So, anyway, I hope to start blogging daily again. It would be easy if work was this slow every night, but it’s not.  So on the nights when I am busy at work, I likely won’t get a blog out.  I actually find that during the day when I’m awake, I do other things like laundry and emptying the dishwasher and making dinner and sorting through boxes and stuff like that.  There have been days that I don’t touch my computer until I sit down to work.  I never used to be like that, so that is most sincerely a good thing – even if my blogging suffers.

Someday I will post pics, really…

I found my camera cord!

Ok, first of all, a few new things.  DH did indeed call the credit card company back which amazed me because he HATES talking on the phone.  But I had explained to him that we could NOT afford to make a $280 payment to that card, and that the website said the minimum was $105.  So he called and cancelled the 280 pmt and set one up for 105. Of course they had to charge a fee of $11.95 to set up the pmt…  right cause it actually costs them that much money.  Whatever. At least all the credit cards and shopping charge accounts will be paid current by Tuesday.

About the therapy,…  well after an altercation between 12 and me that resulted me in actually throwing something at her (not to hit her just to scare her – she’d been literally punching 10 and ran when I got close enough) and I ended up breaking the glass in the frame of my favorite picture – I told DH the child had to medicated or I did, and probably both of us.  I also told him he needed to find me a Dr and make me an appt cause I would not do it myself.  So when 12’s therapist appt came up, he went in with her and they talked about everything that’s been going on and how therapy is NOT working though we’re paying out the ass for it (or will whenever I get around to paying these medical bills piling up argh) and how she needs to be on something.  The therapist had recommended a light dose of Zoloft, but we read it can cause suicidal thoughts in children.  She said she’d never seen it in any of her patients and she has prescribed it to 7 yr olds (can you imagine??) … so we just have to set up a Dr appt for 12 with her pediatrician to do blood tests to make sure she’s healthy enough to take the meds. ….  then…

He talked to the therapist about me.  Seems they had already decided I needed help (the shoe thowing incident didn’t help my case any) and since this therapist already knew about the history with 12, said she could take me in on Friday. I am NOT going to her!  I cannot get DH to understand I can’t talk to this woman.  I was talking about it at work in the chatroom and oddly enough a lot of them have been in therapy and said it’s imperative that I find someone I’m comfortable talking to.  I don’t like this woman. It bothers me enough that 12 talks to her.  I am NOT going to her.  But I have no idea how to find someone else…

I was going to go see Friend today just to talk things out and use him as a therapist, since that’s what friends are for..  but he’s been throwing up since Monday and finally texted me to tell me this morning, after I’d already planned to drive there and everything.  But he was sick, so I guess it’s excused.  At least I didn’t go.  I have not slept since 3pm on Wednesday, it is now 9am on Thursday.  I have to pay 2 cash advances and renew them, pay the electric bill and water bill before they come to collect in person and charge the trip fee, and then deposit money back into the bank account to cover stuff that might go through today.  DH’s paycheck should get deposited tonight since Monday is a holiday, but I never know.  I couldn’t sleep after my shift this morning, and now I’m so out of it I can barely see the keys. I guess I’d better try to get a nap before going to pay bills…  I just KNOW the guy will come to collect the electric bill money today. Mark my words – he always comes right before I go to pay it myself. Never fails. … someday I want to be able to pay it as soon as we get the bill out of money in the bank not waiting on the next paycheck.  Hah that sounds so easy, yet seems to be so damn hard to accomplish.

So, off to nap, hopefully my dreams will not be of therapists and bill collectors!

The pipes froze night before last. Had no water all day yesterday. It’s not frozen now, but there’s a new hole somewhere in the pipes under the trailer and is spraying loudly into the insulation and plastic underneath. We have to turn it on to use it then turn it off again.

Had to get a cash advance yesterday so I could ship a secret santa gift to a co worker in RI, get gas to drive to Hometown to my Sis’s on Saturday, and get food and last minute gifts.  They only gave us half of what we really needed.

Was out all day after taking DH to work, got some little things to go into the 6 gift bags we’re taking to my sister’s on the 27th for my family’s white elephant gift exchange and dinner.  All those “little things” ended up coming to over 20 bucks I shouldn’t have spent. Then went to get baking supplies to make fudge and choco covered pretzels and brownies to go in the gift bags.  Ended up putting back the choc for the pretzels since I had to get ground beef for the meatloaf on Christmas.  16 had run the tank out of gas this week running to her b/f’s house so when she got $12 from doing an odd job she put that in gas. I’m returning a bunch of stuff I got at the Dollar Tree that were stocking stuffers. They didn’t need all that crap, and I need the money.  With 4 kids it’s so hard to try to keep it fair and even then I end up getting too much every time.  So, now I’m taking a crapload back. (Actually, I sent 16 to return it and she said they have a no-return policy, just exchange. ) So, I only have about $15 to last us til next Tuesday. Isn’t that just great. I have to stay away from dollar stores. To be honest. I wish DH would stop letting me have all the money and let him do all this crap.

I don’t get paid again til the 31st, DH gets paid on the 5th.  16’s ex b/f from NJ is coming down to visit for a week and will fly in the night of the 27th. 16’s godfather will pick her up from our family thing at my Sis’s house and go to the airport to pick up the ExBF and bring them back to our place.  We should be home by then I guess.  They’d better figure out how to just hang out with her other friends or something else free or cheap.  I have no idea if we’ll even have money to get groceries for while he’s here.  I guess maybe I’d better see if I can return some of the stuff I got for the gift bags for my family gathering.  We just need to be able to have gas to get to hometown and back and then for DH to get to work and back from now til next Tues.  And enough food in the house to feed me, DH and 4 kids meals from now thru next Monday, and 1 extra mouth to feed on Sun and Mon.  …oh and trips to the laundromat. SIGH.  The used appliance store has dryers for $75. I might have to get one with my next paycheck. It’s getting ridiculous how much we’re spending at the laundromat and how much laundry is piled up everywhere.  I REALLY wish this stupid boy wasn’t going to come visit afterall.  Ugh.

OMG this year can NOT end quickly enough!

Of all the years, how can this one be the hardest one on us? DH got promoted to management making over double (almost triple) what he was making, and I got on at full time hours with benefits, making $10/hr to help out as well.  So, why is it that we are now supposedly no longer under the povert level (according to the school free/reduced lunch policy anyway)… why is it that we had to use a Fingerhut account we just got pre-approved for to get gifts for the kids, and why do we only have $11 in the bank after DH just got a paycheck for over $900??  I do NOT get it!!  I got some stocking stuffers for the kids at Dollar Tree and am considering taking them back to get my money back so we can get more groceries for Christmas dinner and to get more gas.  In fact, I think DH is going to have to get a cash advance to make sure we have money for cheapy gifts to take to the white elephant exchange at my sister’s on the 27th, food for Christmas and gas to get to my hometown and back…  plus 16’s ex boyfriend is flying down from NJ to spend the week. Thank GOD he’ll be in a motel instead of our house, but still, they’ll be hanging out here a lot since she’s not allowed to go to his hotel.

As for my mood… the closure with Brit might not have worked as well as I hoped.  His Facebook page says he’s now in a relationship with the girl he met up with in his hometown. They sned little hugs and kisses and hearts to each other on Facebook. Each one is like an arrow through my heart like they used to show on Ally McBeal. I want him to be happy. I do. But I want it to stop hurting so damn bad.  He even put up a status that he’s getting drunk with this new girl…  he doesn’t drink.  I’ve known his 9 years and was always proud of being a tee-totaller non-drinker.  I admired that about hi… has he changed so much that he’ll give up his stance on drinking for some girl? I know it’s just a stupid little thing, but my emotional stability is wonky at beast anyway.

I am still slipping into a horrible depression. The worst I’ve ever felt. I cry all day off and on and I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think Friend and I will get to email each other til after New years.  My friend I chat to in California doesn’t know about me and the Brit (he’s a mutual friend) and would probably stop talking to me if he knew I’d ever cheated on DH (he’s all about fidelity)…  so I have no one I can actually talk to. If it weren’t for this blog, I really have no idea how I’d deal with this poison inside of me.

Other crap to whine about…  the house is too damn small and cramped. There’s no room for people to visit. My 16 yr old just wants her b/f to come over constantly, but it’s too crowded already. I baked a ton of stuff for gifts, and there’s nothing left for my own family. There is a 3 br house up on a ridge with a mountain view for $500 a month, and I doubt they’ll take pets and I doubt I’d ever be able to deal with a $500 rent pmt anyway. I can’t seem to pay off a single bill as it is.

My laptop was the victim of one of my rage outburts and I destroyed the hard drive.  Now I’m having to use my husband’s laptop which is duct taped together at the moment.   Just one more thing to have to spend money on.

My tax refund will be gone before we get it.

Someone wake me when this damn holiday is over……