Ok…  finally I have just decided to let the bad stuff roll off my back.

Today (Christmas Eve) at work DH got a ton of gift cards from employees. This is his first Christmas as management, and he’s just overcome by the way people gave him all this stuff.  Not little ones either! In fact when he got off work, and I picked him up, we took one of them for a grocery store and got stuff for dinner tomorrow and some stuff for the kids to make the choc covered pretzels again. I had told the kids to finish making dinner and get the last bit of dirty dishes washed up and turn off the water while I was gone to get him.  They of course forgot to turn off the water, but they got the stuff done at least. So, we were able to eat as soon as we got home, then we turned off the TV and turned on Christmas music and sat down to open gifts. It wasn’t the most festive and joyous evening.  A lot of “Is that all I got?!” moments, and it made me think how much I wish we’d just done a homemade Christmas this year and not bought any gifts… but with little kids, we just can’t do that.  Actually after a while, the little ones started playing with the new kitchen set and babydolls together without fighting!  And then the older ones made chocolate covered pretzels and talked on the phone to friends and played cribbage with DH. They also all watched the Nightmare Before Christmas.

I had to work, but on breaks DH and I helped Santa get the girls’ gifts all sorted out and around the tree.  Their stockings are quite stuffed and they each have a biggish gift they’ve been really wanting.  Well 10 isn’t getting the things she asked for, but she’s getting stuff she will like I think.  This is probably the last year she’ll be into babydolls and playing pretend and stuffed animals etc. Once they get into 6th grade, things change.

I’ll wake everyone up around 5am to come see what Santa left for them and then I am going to bed and DH can deal with them.  He stayed up til 2am and isn’t able to use his CPAP machine for his sleep apnea so he’s going to get like no rest.  If we’re lucky, the girls will go back to bed and we can all get some sleep til later.

It may not be the best Christmas we’ve ever had, but we’re all together and healthy and I know that’s a lot more than some people have, so I am counting my blessings and thinking God I am able to do so.   I hope all y’all who stop by and read this have a very Merry Christmas!

Of all the years, how can this one be the hardest one on us? DH got promoted to management making over double (almost triple) what he was making, and I got on at full time hours with benefits, making $10/hr to help out as well.  So, why is it that we are now supposedly no longer under the povert level (according to the school free/reduced lunch policy anyway)… why is it that we had to use a Fingerhut account we just got pre-approved for to get gifts for the kids, and why do we only have $11 in the bank after DH just got a paycheck for over $900??  I do NOT get it!!  I got some stocking stuffers for the kids at Dollar Tree and am considering taking them back to get my money back so we can get more groceries for Christmas dinner and to get more gas.  In fact, I think DH is going to have to get a cash advance to make sure we have money for cheapy gifts to take to the white elephant exchange at my sister’s on the 27th, food for Christmas and gas to get to my hometown and back…  plus 16’s ex boyfriend is flying down from NJ to spend the week. Thank GOD he’ll be in a motel instead of our house, but still, they’ll be hanging out here a lot since she’s not allowed to go to his hotel.

As for my mood… the closure with Brit might not have worked as well as I hoped.  His Facebook page says he’s now in a relationship with the girl he met up with in his hometown. They sned little hugs and kisses and hearts to each other on Facebook. Each one is like an arrow through my heart like they used to show on Ally McBeal. I want him to be happy. I do. But I want it to stop hurting so damn bad.  He even put up a status that he’s getting drunk with this new girl…  he doesn’t drink.  I’ve known his 9 years and was always proud of being a tee-totaller non-drinker.  I admired that about hi… has he changed so much that he’ll give up his stance on drinking for some girl? I know it’s just a stupid little thing, but my emotional stability is wonky at beast anyway.

I am still slipping into a horrible depression. The worst I’ve ever felt. I cry all day off and on and I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think Friend and I will get to email each other til after New years.  My friend I chat to in California doesn’t know about me and the Brit (he’s a mutual friend) and would probably stop talking to me if he knew I’d ever cheated on DH (he’s all about fidelity)…  so I have no one I can actually talk to. If it weren’t for this blog, I really have no idea how I’d deal with this poison inside of me.

Other crap to whine about…  the house is too damn small and cramped. There’s no room for people to visit. My 16 yr old just wants her b/f to come over constantly, but it’s too crowded already. I baked a ton of stuff for gifts, and there’s nothing left for my own family. There is a 3 br house up on a ridge with a mountain view for $500 a month, and I doubt they’ll take pets and I doubt I’d ever be able to deal with a $500 rent pmt anyway. I can’t seem to pay off a single bill as it is.

My laptop was the victim of one of my rage outburts and I destroyed the hard drive.  Now I’m having to use my husband’s laptop which is duct taped together at the moment.   Just one more thing to have to spend money on.

My tax refund will be gone before we get it.

Someone wake me when this damn holiday is over……

I remember back when DH and I were first married and our oldest child was a baby, we we so thrilled to be doing the whole grown-up and married thing.  So when Christmas time rolled around, a store had an Angel Tree set up. It had paper angels on it with age and gender of some less-fortunate child with a list of toys they wanted and clothes and shoes sizes etc. I was thrilled at the opportunity to help out such a child, but we didn’t make much money at all, and already had one child (our first xmas buying a kid presents).  We managed to get the bare minimum required for the child on the paper angel, but I always felt bad that we weren’t able to get them more. I figured if I’d left the name on the tree someone with more money might have been able to get them more. I never picked an angel off the tree again.

Subsequent Christmases have been increasingly difficult. When I was a kid, I got one gift from Mom and Dad and 1 from Santa plus a socking of stuff. Now a days kids expect and usually receive a TON of crap. Boxes and boxes of stuff for each kid. One year when 16 and 12 were still in the elementary school and 10 was still at home, we got a letter from the school that our family had been chosen to receive a gift and to please bring our car with room for stuff on a certain day.  When DH and I arrived, we discovered a local bank had partnered with the school and chosen our family to go overboard for Christmas.  The entire conference room table was covered in gifts for the kids and a disposable camera. The bank wanted us to take pics of the kids opening everything. It was unreal. We had boxes stacked taller than the kids’ heads under and around the tree. It was an amazing Christmas that year. They got all new everything from slippers to PJs to socks and underwear to winter coats and gloves to a ton of toys and school clothes. They even gave stuff to the (then) youngest even though she wasn’t going to school yet.  DH and I were certainly grateful, but how do you show your face again at school meetings after your family is chosen as the “poor kids”?

Soon, there will be an Christmas Tree in the school lobby with paper angels on it. The rich parents will pick off angels and go buy them a slew of cheap dollar store shoes and clearance prices clothes and a toy or two that might relate to what the kid asked for.  I know that’s what they get the poor less fortunate kids, because my kids’ names will be on paper angels. This year, just like every year since the huge bank sponsored thing.

Yesterday 6 and 10 brought home those envelopes we get every year. Sealed, addressed to The Parents of …. It’s always on red paper too.  “Your child has been chosen to be included in the Angel Tree…”  We can sign to accept or decline. We’re going to accept of course, because we need all the help we can get.  I filled out the sizes and what toys they want etc and sealed it back in the envelope and they’re ready to go back to the teacher.

Don’t get me wrong. I am VERY thankful for these gifts. Each year they help out, and last year which was really really rough, we had friends play Santa for us (they got them bikes and all sorts of expensive stuff!).  I know in my heart though that some day, yes some day we WILL be in a position to finally not be on the tree, and I will be able to pull off 2 or 3 of the angels and go get them good shoes and clothes- not ones from dollar stores,- clothes of brands the other kids at school wear, cool coats and gloves, and PJs and slippers and the most awesome toys.

Until then, we get to go to the school sometime before Christmas and hand in the paper that tells them which big black bags to give us, and we try not to look embarassed for the ??th year in a row.