Back in November, I started telling the story of My Brit . Today I feel the need to talk about him more.

After we hugged for the first time there in the bus station, we got his luggage and went out to the van. When he got into the front seat of the van, there was a note there waiting for him. I forget the exact words now, but it basically said, “We’ve been so close online, but were afraid we’d be too shy in person to be comfortable with each other.. so in order to break the ice, lean over now and kiss me” And he did… and the rest is a story I might continue someday…

But for now, I wanted to say I think I am going to be OK. I had to get closure. I had to put a part of life behind me before I could move on. I feel so much weight lifted off of me.

The way I will always remember my Brit was the last time I visited him in England… as I was having to say goodbye at the airport we were able to kiss each other and not cry (I cried later). At that time, I knew everything was going to be OK. That no matter if he got married and had his own litter of kids and I never got the nerve to leave my husband… that he and I would always love each other. I was able to walk away from him loving him, and knowing he loved me, and nothing in the world would ever change that. That is how I will always remember my Brit.

Since then, he’s visited here once more and said he fell in love with me all over again and the passion was renewed, but was short lived as he had to go back home. He’s single again and has found a new girl whom he’s going to see over Christmas vacation… it’s been hard to deal with this going on all over again, and I knew I needed closure. He’s been very distant, I guess doing the only thing he knows to make it easier on us both. We’ve gone from running home to get online to see each other and talk on IMs til the sun came up… to saying “hi, how’s it going?” about once a week…

So, I needed to write him one last love letter. And since I made this blog to get this stuff out in the open so it didn’t eat me alive… here is my letter….

My Dearest (Brit – it’s still an anonymous blog )…

I will try to have this be the last time I bring up the past. I know it’s behind us, and you deserve to be happy and move on with your life. I just had to get a few things off my chest. We hardly seem to talk at all anymore, and you’ve made it pretty clear you want distance between us, so I felt this was the best way to say it all. I hope you at least read it once, but it’s up to you.

I want to thank you for always being there for me… way more often than I was there for you it seems. You helped me through some very hard times in my life, and I would like to think we helped each other grow into the people we’ve become. You’ve been a big part of my life, and you always will be. Nothing will erase the memories we made. You’ve been so loving and so patient. I look back on things and I can’t help but think I really was bad for you in so many ways. I stole so many years from you.. you gave them willingly, but I’m sure you wish you had those years back. I never wanted to be a regret, but I’m afraid I am. So, like I said in the IM today, I am sorry. But I did love you and I still do, and always will. I believe you feel the same, even if its down deep. I never knew the feeling of having someone “fall” in love with me before, or the passion and burning desire I felt for you and saw in your eyes even from across the room. You not only saved my life, but you gave me one to live.

We’ve tried to part ways so many times, just to be heart broken again later… but this time it feels like we’ve finally grown apart. I think that makes me sadder than anything else. I will always cherish the memories we have together. You will always be in my heart, and I will always be here … forever.

Through out the years of our relationship, music has been a huge part of our connection to one another. From Tim McGraw’s My Best Friend, to Daniel Bedingfield’s If You’re Not The One and Everything But The Girl’s Missing You I’d like to add one more to it if you wouldn’t mind giving me one last moment… This song reminds me of you. No matter how old we get or how far apart we get… I will always feel it all over again Everytime I Hear Your Name…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IS1fKN3_qzg&feature=related

Everytime I Hear Your Name by Keith Anderson

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin’ little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin’ by your place.
Back makin’ the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein’ some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin’ right out of the blue sky.
And it’s the fifth of May, and I’m right there starin’ in your eyes.
And nothin’s changed, and we’re still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I’m hangin’ on to every word rollin’ off of your lips:
And that’s all it takes, and I’m in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life; everyone thinks she’ll make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she’s the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young.
But it’s way too soon to be talkin’ ’bout rings; don’t wanna rush into anything.
She’s getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.
And she talks about him every once in a while, and I just nod my head and smile,
’cause I know exactly what she’s goin’ through; yeah, I’ve been there too.

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a “you were the only one for me”,
Kinda thoughts, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can’t go back but I still go back.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I’m in your arms about to make love for the first time,
And that’s all it takes, and I’m in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

I stop thinkin’ ’bout the words I left unsaid.
(Every time I hear your name.)
I stop tryin’ the change the things I can’t change.
(Every time I hear your name.)
In my heart I know you’re gone, but in my head,

I feel rain fallin’ right out of the blue sky.
And it’s the fifth of May, and I’m right there starin’ in your eyes.
That’s all it takes, and I’m in that place.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I’m in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And I can’t explain, but I’m in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Every time I hear your name.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Ooh, ooooooooh, ooh, ooooooooh.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Aaaaah aaaaaaah.
Every time I hear your name.

I hope you will think of me fondly and as more than a friend from time to time.

I Miss You and Love You Forever and Always …. for eternity

– ******
Your Kitten
Your Best Friend
Forever

This is going to be a difficult blog to write, so please forgive if I end it abruptly today. (in fact this may turn into a series of blogs about Brit, just so I can get it off my chest.)

If you’ve read my blog before, you might recall me talking about Friend. We were best friends in high school (20 years ago now) and had fooled around quite a lot back then, but he was basically my first love and I truly do still love him dearly. He and I have found ourselves emailing each other again recently and we had lunch. The sparks are still there, but we’re cautious. Too cautious really, flame is dying down  now.

But Friend was not the first person who has made me consider a man other than my husband.  In fact there was one I almost left my husband for.

I guess I’ll begin with what was going on when I first met him. November 1999, I had just gotten a full time job basically just to get out of the house. I’d had a nervous breakdown that summer since I was cooped up in the house with a 6 yr old and also 2 kids in diapers, one of which was like the spawn of Satan. In addition, I felt like I was the only one who cared about the house and trying to be a normal family with the dream of the cute house with the white picket fence etc. Of course now I know for a fact that DH doesn’t care, but back then it was just occurring to me. Basically I was seriously depressed.

In Nov 1999, we got the internet in our house. Had an old 386 computer with dial up. I went to the website of a company I liked to see what they had up, and I saw they had a chat room, so I signed up. I had no idea what to expect, but the regulars there were very nice and friendly and showed me around. There was a main chatroom and there was a an area where people could role play character in a medieval tavern setting with magic and dragons. Like King Arthur or Lord of the Rings stuff. So, I thought I’d check it out. Now it’s all done by text, no pictures or avatars or anything.  So it wasn’t like WoW or GuildWars. You just had screen names saying what they were doing and what they were saying and you had to imagine it in your mind.

“Sitting at a table” was a guy who was playing a half elf wizard type fellow who conjured me a rose out of ice. Hokey, I know, but for someone who felt trapped and depressed, this was like an escape where I could pretend to be someone like Galadriel.  Well, to keep this from being 50 pages long, I’ll just say he and I hit it off well “in character” and talked a little bit in private chat. It was his first day on that website as well and in the chatrooms. He loved dragons and collected them. He lived in England and I had dreamed of visiting England since I was very little. My sister had lived there for a few years and sent me things. Also, he was only 19. I was 29 then.

As time wore on, our characters fell in love and he and I became really good friends. In fact I could easily say he’s the best friend I’ve ever really had. I felt so comfortable talking to him. Maybe because he was so removed from my life, that I didn’t feel threatened by him knowing everything. By the following spring, I knew also that I had fallen in love with this young Brit. He admitted he felt the same about me.

In August of 2000, there was a big gaming convention in Wisconsin, and Brit decided he wanted to attend it and then come see me and my family. By this time, he’d also been chatting with my husband who also liked going to the chatrooms where they discussed the fantasy stuff he liked too. So Brit and DH were friends too, and Brit wanted to see me in person and meet my kids. DH had no idea there was more than friendship between us.

I remember the day like it was yesterday, August 14, 2000 – he was riding the Greyhound to the nearest big city, 90 minutes away.  I drove down there by myself to pick him up. This was way before text messaging, in fact I didn’t even own a cell phone, and his didn’t work in the US.  I had to just wait there and hope he made it OK. I remember feeling so excited and so nervous. I’d known this guy online for about 10 months, we’d sent letters with pictures, talked on the phone, told each other our secrets and grown a really strong friendship I simply could not make other people understand. But more than that, he truly cared about me. And I was about to see him in person for the first time.  I sat in my van at the bus station for a while, since I got there really early, then finally went inside. I knew which bus he’d be on and when it was due.  The board said it was on time… then it pulled in. I could feel my heart beating against my ribcage. I couldn’t really see much, thre was a brick wall with no windows, just the glass doors that led to the parking lot and they were blocked by people waiting to get on another bus. It was quite busy and crowded. I kept looking and then I noticed a lean fellow get off the bus in a blue baseball cap and head for the luggage area, I knew it was him. I went to the other set of doors to see if I could get a better view, but didn’t see him, then I turned around… and I think I stopped breathing for a moment. … there he stood with his backpack and suitcase, wearing his ratty old baseball cap, looking quite disheveled from the bus ride. I remembered how to breathe and walk and smiled at him. Then he said my name as a question, making sure it was me, and I nodded. He smiled so big, and that was when we had our first hug…

(to be continued)