I haven’t posted since Thanksgiving since there’s not really been anything to write about. I didn’t go shopping on Black Friday because I just didn’t have the money basically. I have been able to get all the girls’ presents with my new Fingerhut charge account though.  So my mind is at ease about that.  DH keeps seeing things he wants to get them, but I told him they’re done.  Just some stocking stuffers now.  Two of them will also be getting Angel Tree stuff, thank goodness!  Poor little 6 has practically no long pants. When I got her school clothes I got a bunch of capris that were marked down really cheap on clearance. Of course back when school started it was still in the 90s everyday. She could use new shoes and more socks and underwear too. That stuff isn’t cheap!  We’re back to living on the cheap ground turkey and cream soups and pasta. Thanksgiving dinner was amazing, but it cost as much as a week’s worth of groceries.

I woke up today to take DH to work so I could take the van and realized I hadn’t paid the cash advances I have out. I’m supposed to do those first while I have the cash, then re-write and deposit that money.  So, now I don’t have the cash to pay the $300 one. I’m going to pray they will just let me come in after DH gets paid this weekend. I don’t see any other way to get it.

So, today I took DH to work so I could have the van, as I said.  That’s because I am going to make a roadtrip back to my hometown for two reasons : 1) to get out of the house and shake off the trapped feeling, and 2) to see Friend for lunch.  The problem here is that after his initial emails yesterday morning that were replies to my emails I sent over the weekend, he apparently never got back to his desk.  So I wasn’t able to discuss getting together today with him.  I sent him an email last night telling him I was planning to head to my hometown and see my sister at her coffee shop and I wanted to meet him at the river for lunch and I’d buy something to bring with me for us both.  It’s nearly 9am now and he’s not replied. I’m actually beginning to worry about him. It’s really not like him to not get back to at least email me one last time before he leaves for work or not to send me one when he gets to work. I also sent him a friendly text last night asking if they got any snow, but he never answered it.  Oh well. I’m sure I’m over reacting and everything is fine.

The one thing I don’t like about this whole thing is how the momentum always dies down between times we see each other or talk to each other.  Like last time we saw each other was a Fri night and we didn’t email all weekend, but then it picked up again in emails by the middle of last week, but then he had a 5 day weekend, and now he’s apparently too busy to even check mail. But I guess that’s what we get for trying to find time to see each other when we have other lives.

Well, I’ll write later to tell what happens today. Even if I don’t see him, I have to get out of this house.

I remember back when DH and I were first married and our oldest child was a baby, we we so thrilled to be doing the whole grown-up and married thing.  So when Christmas time rolled around, a store had an Angel Tree set up. It had paper angels on it with age and gender of some less-fortunate child with a list of toys they wanted and clothes and shoes sizes etc. I was thrilled at the opportunity to help out such a child, but we didn’t make much money at all, and already had one child (our first xmas buying a kid presents).  We managed to get the bare minimum required for the child on the paper angel, but I always felt bad that we weren’t able to get them more. I figured if I’d left the name on the tree someone with more money might have been able to get them more. I never picked an angel off the tree again.

Subsequent Christmases have been increasingly difficult. When I was a kid, I got one gift from Mom and Dad and 1 from Santa plus a socking of stuff. Now a days kids expect and usually receive a TON of crap. Boxes and boxes of stuff for each kid. One year when 16 and 12 were still in the elementary school and 10 was still at home, we got a letter from the school that our family had been chosen to receive a gift and to please bring our car with room for stuff on a certain day.  When DH and I arrived, we discovered a local bank had partnered with the school and chosen our family to go overboard for Christmas.  The entire conference room table was covered in gifts for the kids and a disposable camera. The bank wanted us to take pics of the kids opening everything. It was unreal. We had boxes stacked taller than the kids’ heads under and around the tree. It was an amazing Christmas that year. They got all new everything from slippers to PJs to socks and underwear to winter coats and gloves to a ton of toys and school clothes. They even gave stuff to the (then) youngest even though she wasn’t going to school yet.  DH and I were certainly grateful, but how do you show your face again at school meetings after your family is chosen as the “poor kids”?

Soon, there will be an Christmas Tree in the school lobby with paper angels on it. The rich parents will pick off angels and go buy them a slew of cheap dollar store shoes and clearance prices clothes and a toy or two that might relate to what the kid asked for.  I know that’s what they get the poor less fortunate kids, because my kids’ names will be on paper angels. This year, just like every year since the huge bank sponsored thing.

Yesterday 6 and 10 brought home those envelopes we get every year. Sealed, addressed to The Parents of …. It’s always on red paper too.  “Your child has been chosen to be included in the Angel Tree…”  We can sign to accept or decline. We’re going to accept of course, because we need all the help we can get.  I filled out the sizes and what toys they want etc and sealed it back in the envelope and they’re ready to go back to the teacher.

Don’t get me wrong. I am VERY thankful for these gifts. Each year they help out, and last year which was really really rough, we had friends play Santa for us (they got them bikes and all sorts of expensive stuff!).  I know in my heart though that some day, yes some day we WILL be in a position to finally not be on the tree, and I will be able to pull off 2 or 3 of the angels and go get them good shoes and clothes- not ones from dollar stores,- clothes of brands the other kids at school wear, cool coats and gloves, and PJs and slippers and the most awesome toys.

Until then, we get to go to the school sometime before Christmas and hand in the paper that tells them which big black bags to give us, and we try not to look embarassed for the ??th year in a row.