Let me start by saying our tax refund cannot come soon enough.

I have some bills I have GOT to get paid off. I was hoping they didn’t go to collections and end up on our credit reports that I have been trying for a year to improve… but I got to thinking after a year of trying to improve them and they’re still about the same, what the hell is the f***ing point?  We can’t afford a mortgage anyway, and no one will loan to us with a bankruptcy on our records anyway, wo wht do I care. So, I am just not going to worry about them until the tax refund comes, then pay off the oldest ones and pay a bunch to the hospital for DH’s stupid fake heart attack acid reflux attack. It’s shit like that that’s making it impossible for us to move.  Not only was there a hospital bill, but a slew of Dr bills since they all bill separately, then radiologists, pathologists, surgeons, etc. THANK GOD FOR BLUE CROSS however.  The bills all came to around $25,000, and we only have to pay about $2000 of that…  but that’s $2000 I don’t have at the moment.  So it comes out of the tax refund plus the $500 or so in misc old medical bills I should have paid last year but didn’t because I am an idiot with money. And then I have to save $1500 to have for DH’s new medical stuff and Rx since we switched to a higher deductible plan so it’s cheaper…  I’m beginning to think that was a bad idea.  I think this plan is for healthy people.  Crap.  I *think* DH’s whole life insurance policy takes affect for the full amount soon.  I’m sure I’m paying too much for it, but we were idiots and didn’t get life insurance before his heart attack and now he’s bascially uninsurable.  He has life insurance through work that’s supposed to pay one year’s salary, but it still shows his old salary of $18,000, and now he makes $34,000.  They’d better be changing it, but he needs to inquire, and I’m unsure how to approach Dh about it.
“Honey, you need to talk to your employer. Your life insurance isn’t going to pay me enough if you die… unexpectedly”  LOL  No, I’m not going to kill my husband.  He’s worth more alive!How the hell long would $34000 last me? HAH not long enough I assure you.  Especially not when my ADD stupid idiotic self got ahold of it.

I just want to get SOMETHING accomplished.  I want to stop owing people a crapload of money, I want to stop living paycheck to paycheck and have a ton of cash advances over my head. I want to take some of that tax refund and call up the immigrant workers who do maintenance for the trailer park and have them come replace my front door with a shiney new one that opens inward and has a storm door and and actually closes and locks and everything!!  THAT will be so amazing.

Friend (from my hometown) has agreed via emails to come over and help me install the hardwood laminate flooring in my living room when it’s time to do it.  That’s the next thing to do after we get the door fixed. OMG I CANNOT wait!!!!  I’ve already found the laminate I want. It’s a pretty color and is the cheapest Lowe’s carries.  I don’t want to spend a fortune on this place when it more than likely will not end up making this place worth a great deal more money.  An older remodeled and updated trailer can got for a lot (compared to untouched old dated trailer), but the more I can save the better.  I want quality still, but it doesn’t need to be the kind they advertise on TV.

Dh’s first paycheck of the year has come and bascially gone. I don’t get paid again til the 15th, but I paid the internet bill so i can keep working, (although our router died today BAH!)  and I paid the rent without getting a late fee! Yay me! I paid back 16’s friend who had loaned me $100 so I could feed the kids when I took him and 16 sight seeing in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge when he was visiting last week. Paid off DH’s cash advance and did not get a new one YAY!!  But we spent more than we should have at the mall  when 16 and I went and then when DH and I went.  But to be honest, his check was huge, over $1000 and we hadn’t been able to really do anything nice in FOREVER.   Not all the bills are paid and we still need to buy groceries to last til the 15th. Just a week now really.  The girls all have money in their lunch accounts, so we’re good there.  I just have to hope the electric company and water dept don’t go demanding to be paid since they are late. I know I could have paid them if we hadn’t wasted a couple hundred or more out and about, and that bugs me and bring out the GUILT.  I hate guilt.

I did get a nice surprise today! DH brought in the mail. It was damp from the incessant rain, collections agencies, bounced check alert, medical bills, and one envelope from my employer out in California.  If you don’t know, I telecommute to work, and actually work for two companies, one in WA state and one in CA.  I thought it might have something to do with taxes, so I open it up, and it’s a single sheet of paper with a big smiley face on it that says “WOW!!  You are appreciated! Thank you for your effort in 2008. Now let’s cheer for a Happy New Year!” and folded up inside the paper was a business card of the HR lady and a $50 bill!!!!  I opened it and was like What the F***?!  It seemed very strange, yet this company does very strange things. I’m not complaining. I’m guessing the $50 is gonna go to help buy groceries since I already splurged more than I wanted.

I’d like to put aside toward a new iPhone for DH.  He saw one at Best Buy and after trying all the other phones and not liking them, he fell in love with the iPhone.  He does need a good reliable phone since he is beginning to have to travel to other stores in his job, and his current phone is on its last legs.  He told me tonight he found out (no idea how)  that AT&T gives a discount of 23% to people with a discount card from DH’s company.  AWESOME!   So, yeah he’s getting an iPhone for Valentines Day…  well if AT&T will approve the two year service plan anyway.  Like I said our credit sucks.  But I’m paying over $30 a month for his minutes on his phone now and he hates his plan and phone and it’s roaming if you leave like the county.  The iPhone plan I’m getting him is $90/month (well before fees and taxes I guess) so not terrible more expensive after the initial $200 for the phone.  He works hard (at work) and deserves to have something new and shiney.

Ok enough rambling.  Good night!

Ok…  finally I have just decided to let the bad stuff roll off my back.

Today (Christmas Eve) at work DH got a ton of gift cards from employees. This is his first Christmas as management, and he’s just overcome by the way people gave him all this stuff.  Not little ones either! In fact when he got off work, and I picked him up, we took one of them for a grocery store and got stuff for dinner tomorrow and some stuff for the kids to make the choc covered pretzels again. I had told the kids to finish making dinner and get the last bit of dirty dishes washed up and turn off the water while I was gone to get him.  They of course forgot to turn off the water, but they got the stuff done at least. So, we were able to eat as soon as we got home, then we turned off the TV and turned on Christmas music and sat down to open gifts. It wasn’t the most festive and joyous evening.  A lot of “Is that all I got?!” moments, and it made me think how much I wish we’d just done a homemade Christmas this year and not bought any gifts… but with little kids, we just can’t do that.  Actually after a while, the little ones started playing with the new kitchen set and babydolls together without fighting!  And then the older ones made chocolate covered pretzels and talked on the phone to friends and played cribbage with DH. They also all watched the Nightmare Before Christmas.

I had to work, but on breaks DH and I helped Santa get the girls’ gifts all sorted out and around the tree.  Their stockings are quite stuffed and they each have a biggish gift they’ve been really wanting.  Well 10 isn’t getting the things she asked for, but she’s getting stuff she will like I think.  This is probably the last year she’ll be into babydolls and playing pretend and stuffed animals etc. Once they get into 6th grade, things change.

I’ll wake everyone up around 5am to come see what Santa left for them and then I am going to bed and DH can deal with them.  He stayed up til 2am and isn’t able to use his CPAP machine for his sleep apnea so he’s going to get like no rest.  If we’re lucky, the girls will go back to bed and we can all get some sleep til later.

It may not be the best Christmas we’ve ever had, but we’re all together and healthy and I know that’s a lot more than some people have, so I am counting my blessings and thinking God I am able to do so.   I hope all y’all who stop by and read this have a very Merry Christmas!

Ok, so I talked to Friend in emails today. He made the mistake of asking how my day was, so I was honest with him. He replied he was so sad for me and wished he could help and was at a loss for words. We talked some more and I told him that he just had to understand that while we came from the same place, our lives are completely different now. My life is nothing like his. His huge 5 bedroom house with a pool and 3 brand new cars, his structured and organized life..  is as opposite from mine as I can imagine.  Anyway, he said he would work on that and he wanted me to just be myself and say what I felt. He wants me to vent all I want and he likes my sappy emails – but he doesn’t always have the time or privacy to reply the way he wants to.  I dunno, it’s funny when we first started talking, he didn’t seem to have that problem. Oh well.

I really wanted to go see him at lunch tomorrow (Wed) but he didn’t know if he’d have time to take a lunch, and besides, I have to cook all day and clean and 6 has a Dr appt.  I wish 16 could take 6 to the Dr appt, but that won’t work – I need to be there to see what he says. It’s about her ears and hearing. I’m hoping the medicine has worked.  So anyway, we decided to meet for lunch next week and he seemed really happy about that. I think he’s just been really busy at work, and not able to really write as much as he’d like.

So, Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow…

Here is our menu for the big day – thanks to DH for getting the oven fixed.

Turkey
Mom’s recipe turkey dressing (includes a whole loaf of toasted bread and a whole chicken!)
Mom’s recipe sweet potato casserole (no marshmallows)
Broccoli casserole
Green bean casserole
country green beans with whole taters
Mashed potatoes
gravy
rolls
whole and jellied cranberry sauce

pumpkin pie (bought)
apple crumb pie (bought)
better than sex cake – I’ll make tomorrow

I have no clue what I can make tomorrow that I can just reheat and have everything hot at once. Thankfully we do have a toaster/conventional oven my MIL loaned us when our oven died. It’s small though so not sure what I can really make in it while the turkey is roasting.

Well, I’ll figure it out.  So I’m going to bed, I get to sleep in since the kids are out of school. 16 is taking DH to work so I have the van. Then around 11am, I get up, go get a chicken (I was hoping they’d get cheaper before Tday), get it cooking for the dressing, make the BTSC then take 6 to the Dr, then get DH from work at 5, and I work from 6:45p til 3:15am Thanksgiving morning. I’ll have to go to bed immediately again so I can get up and cook. I guess I’ll stick the turkey in before I go to bed…  Thankfully DH doesn’t go to work til Thurs. evening so he can help.

Hope anyone reading has a great holiday!!

Well, it’s been what? over a week since I wrote last?  It’s been seriously hectic too. (I apologize to any readers. this gets ramblish)

Friday, a phone call woke me up. It was the elementary school calling to say 6 had head lice and they were checking 10 for it too. We had to come pick her/them up. Well, I didn’t have a working vehicle at home, so I said I’d call their dad. Called DH at work, and told him he’d have to take off from work to go get them. Not long after he came home with just 6. They didn’t find any on 10. Apparently her scratching is due to her hair being so thick and kinky that her scalp isn’t getting clean enough when she washes her hair. She’s 10, I hope I don’t have to start washing her hair for her. We tried a shorter cut on her once, but it poofed and curled so much she hated it, so we’re letting it grow long so it’s weighed down. ANYWAY, that evening we did the treatment on her hair and washed all the bedding etc. Later on DH and I actually got to sit and watch a movie together with a bowl of popcorn and a couple of beers. It was kinda weird, but nice.

Late Fri night/early Sat morning, I was winding down and playing Luxor2 on my computer with the headphones on when I kept hearing some other noise. I took off the headphones and listened. It had sounded for all the world like someone was banging their head against the wall in the girls’ room. I know I had heard something, so I walked through the dark house toward their room and I heard it again. It really sounded like it was in their room. I was scared to death, not knowing what or who might be in there and it was dark. As I slowly went down the hallway, I glanced out the window in the back door and that’s when I realized what it was. A trailer was on fire! In fact it was the same lot as ours would be but on the next street over. (We’re at the end of a street that ends in a cul de sac, so all the homes on the circles kind of have bug adjoining yards with the other cul de sacs) I noticed people throwing things at the windows and I was scared to death there was someone inside. I knew kids lived there.  I threw on my boots after calling 911 and took off across the wet grass. Coming up behind it like I did, I didn’t see anyone by the time I got there, but their SUV was parked really close to the house and the car door was open.  I hollered but didn’t see anyone, but the fire was really loud. I came around the front of it, and had to get near enough to feel the heat. Then I saw people out in the street. Other trailers were emptying as people were afraid it would spread. The guy who lived there said he left his keys in the house so he couldn’t move his SUV. He did say his family was out safe.  Actually I noticed tons of people scrambling into cars and taking off. That street is full of illegal immigrant workers, so I guess they were afraid of cops coming around. They even drove through yard to get to other streets when the fire trucks blocked the cul de sac.  Anyway, everyone was safe and they got it out, but the family lost everything. The trailer park managers have been taking up donations for stuff to give the family like clothes and blankets.  I feel so sorry for those kids. It was two little girls like 5 and 7 and a 11 yr old boy. They’re migrants too, and I’d hate to find them getting deported. The parents come here looking for a better life for their kids, and I admire that. They’re a damn sight better parents than a lot of white Americans I know, that’s for DAMN sure!  Anyway, that’s a whole other blog…

Saturday, DH was off and so was I, so we accepted an offer to go to his buddy’s house to play cards and board games etc. We picked up another friend and drove up. They live about 25-30 minutes away. I’d never seen their house before. It was really nice. 70s split level with old wall paper, but it was HUGE compared to where we live, so it might as well have been a mansion LOL.  We had a fantastic time. Fri night, I had cut up a bunch of carrots and celery sticks and we’d gotten a pack of mushrooms and I made a big veggie platter with reg and fat free ranch dressings to go with, and I got some cheese and cut it into cracker size pieces and took that with a box of crackers. They had grilled some hamburgers before we got there, so we had plenty to munch on for games.
We played an old board game (kind of a dungeon type game) called Talisman, then an Avalon Hill game called Nexus Ops, which is a lot like Axis and Allies except you move aliens around. It was fun, especially after we figured out what we were doing. Then we played some Rook and Cribbage.  Had a great time sitting around talking with adults without kids fighting and screaming or other distractions. Very nice. We didn’t get home til nearly 2am. 16 babysat for us, and did an OK job, though the house was still a mess when we got home.

Sunday, DH’s mom and Step dad (MIL and FIL) came over. She did laundry here (her washer is broken and he refuses to get a new one til she cleans the house – LONG story), and he looked at the Zombie Buick  to see if he could get it running. We need a second running vehicle, espeically now that 16 wants a job. Well,he bought us a new battery and he got it started, as I figured he might. He’s more mechanically inclined than DH is. (DH bought a new battery too, but couldn’t get it to start).  Then 16 begged FIL for money to get her drivers license so she could start looking for a job, so he gave her $20.  FIL and DH stood out there by the car and drank beer. It was a strangely man-thing for DH to do…. You’d have to know DH…  We invited them to stay for dinner, but he wanted to get back home.  Dinner was awesome btw. Roast in the crockpot with carrots and onions and cranberry sauce (makes the roast SO good), then made mashed taters and greens. It was SO good!  I saved the little bit left in the crockpot for a soup later in the week.

So, Monday rolls around and I really should have taken 6 to the Dr to get checked so she could go back to school, but I didn’t. Bad Mom. I did however start taking my new herbal supplements over the weekend and was feeling a LOT better Monday and I actually got my living room cleaned up and the kitchen cleaned up and trash taken out etc. It was a good day for the house.

Tuesday was Veterans Day and I was thankful because supposedly nothing would go through the bank and bounce (we’re way over budget and the overdraft fees are going to kill us, I swear).  I got an email from my sister. Her husband is retired AF so they closed their coffee shop for Vet Day and she had a chance to write.  Seems my brother got laid off from his job at the Ford Dealership where he’s worked for I can’t remember how long! He just finished remodeling my Granny’s old house, so I know he’s got a ton of bills. I pray he doesn’t have any medical issues that require Dr bills.  He’s on unemployment which is a joke compared to what he did make.  Fortunately he’s not got any small kids at home. He’s 15 years older than I am.  Also in Sister’s email were plans for the holidays. We used to all do Thanksgiving together when our mom was alive, but now we all do separate things and she’s going to PA with the whole family including her MIL to see my neice who lives there.   For our Christmas get together, it’s always been on xmas eve, but this year due to expenses and such (things are tight for everyone this year) we’re going to do it on the 27th. We do a “white elephant” gift exchange which is always fun. (there are over 30 in our family when we all get together so no way to get everyone something or draw names really).  So, this year we can re-gift the crap we hate LOL. Should save a lot of money.  We’re also going to play games like charades and Pictionary and do something fun for the kids. It will be the first Christmas Eve I’ll spend without my extended family… in fact I have to work that night. I plan on lots of candles, Christmas Carols and apple cider to get me through it LOL.I know something else happened on Tuesday which forced me to be up early, but I can’t remember what it was. … Oh maybe that was when the guy from the electric company came to turn off the power and I had to write a check and realized I only had 2 left – one for each cash advance…  Might have been Wednesday. I slept since then!

Then Wednesday, DH had to come home at lunch to let me have the van. No sleep for me once again. 6 already had a Dr appt set up to check her hearing, so I figured I’d have the Dr check her then and send her back Thursday. Her 1st grade teacher had asked us to get her hearing checked because the way she tests, it seems there is a hearing problem.  She does well when she’s looking at the teacher and getting one-on-one help, but when testing on the stupid computer with headphones she does horrible.  Well, the test did show that she has a problem. Her ears are apparently not getting the pressure they need for the ear drums etc. Bascially she can’t pop her ears. So they always sound stopped up.  Imagine always hearing as if you have a horrible cold with stuffy ears? Amazing. I had no idea.  Well, the test also showed her ears have the proper structure to hear right, but the pressure isn’t allowing it.  This seems to be due to her Eustachian tubes. They are not red or inflamed, but they must be swollen.  He figures it’s some strange allergic reaction.  So we are to watch her for runny nose, sneezing etc.  He prescribed a decongestant. He checked her head and found more nits ARRRGGGHHH!  I was sure I’d gotten them all out. He decided not to beat around the bush with it and prescribed a medication that kills even eggs. It turned out to be hella expensive. I could only afford to get hers and her decong. He had prescribed a bottle of the stuff for the whole family, but even with insurance, it was still $25/bottle OUCH. In fact we had to go to two different places to get the prescriptions filled, cause the first didn’t have it.
So, then we went home, and I put the stuff on her hair and let it sit.  It had to stay for 8 hours after drying before we could wash it out.  I told 16 how to make dinner and then I went to log into work.  She brought me a plate of food and I told her to make sure the others got theirs too and to leave some for Dad.  Then she had to go pick him up from work. (She only had her permit, but she’s a good driver and I couldn’t leave work to get him). When they got back, 12 had gotten home from church on the bus and she and the cats managed to eat the rest of the food, so I gave DH my plate… I had fish sticks later. It’s ok, I like fish sticks.   The evening proceeded to get even more lovely when our internet went out while I was on lunch from work. When I tried to log back in, it was down. I called Comcast and they swore nothing was wrong. I called my boss and he said to keep trying. I called back 45 minutes later to Comcast and they had an automatic message saying there was an outtage in the area. We kept trying it but it never did come back. I had to call my boss to tell him, and he excused me.  But I don’t get paid for the last 4 hours I was supposed to work. That’s like enough for the water bill or a credit card bill.  ARGH!

So today (Thursday) gets here and the internet is still out. Thankfully it’s DH’s day off, so I should get to sleep right?  WRONG!  16 had an appt to get her drivers test at 10am. He was to take her to that, but first MIL had to come to let 16 use her car since our van has noisy breaks and no rearview mirror. Plus, 6 was still home and had to have her hair washed, AND 12 had overslept and missed hte bus. Also, DH did not like having to go anywhere and tried to make me take 16 on like 3 hours of sleep. Just when I managed to get him to take her and get the kids settled down, I tried getting back to sleep, when the stupid old cat pees on my bed!!!  I think he was mad that we were out of cat food. Cats can be really mean and vindictive.  So I had to get up and strip the bed. I did get a little more sleep laying on one edge of the bed. 16 passed the test and got her DL. I cannot believe it. I feel so old.  DH took 16 on to school cause she hates missing any – weird. And then woke me up to go with him to his Dr appt in the nearby bigger city. We decided to leave 6 home with 12 since 6 was feeling pretty pitiful. She had a full blown cold or allergy attack or something this morning. 12 is a decent babysitter when 10 isn’t around to antagonize her. Besides we knew 16 would be home after school.  So DH and I took off for the bigger city and went to his Dr appt. His heart looks good, but they worry he might have some kind of acid refux going on, so he got another prescription. Then we did some window shopping and then drove home with take out for dinner.

Internet was still being weird but was kinda of working and I got logged into work just a little late. Now it seems to be working fine, even with our wifi router.  So I decided I might as well write and catch people up on life here in White Trash Country.

I hope to get back to my story about my Brit. It actually is a sweet love story,.. kinda sorta. I don’t regret it happening, because it helped me through a very rough part of my life…  you think life is hard here now?  HAH things were SO much worse back then. Brit helped me through a lot. But as I said that’s another story. I’ll finish telling it someday.

Oh, and Friend wrote me an email yesterday… it made me smile…  I had written him a few days back with a link to the You Tube video for Everytime I Hear Your Name by Keith Anderson and told him it made me think of him.  Well, his email was in reply to that…

i have listened to this song at least 100 times.  it is great…….i have to go to practice, but i wanted you to know that i have had you on my mind all day….love and miss you……

*swoon*