That’s what I have, good days and bad days. Well, everyone does, right?  But mine aren’t about normal stuff… mine’s about how well my brain is working.

I don’t know if it’s due to the head injury I had when I was 18 in a car wreck, or if it’s just some chemical thing.  On good days, I am normal – like everyone else.  I can get up and do my normal routine around the house, remember to eat, greet my kids when they get home, get the kitchen cleaned up and make dinner and get to work on time…  then there are days like yesterday and today. It *really* sucks when I get them in a row…

Actually this started Friday night. I made a list of things we needed to do and in what order for our activitied Saturday.  Also running in the back of my mind was how much money I’d have to get Easter basket stuff and food for Sat night dinner and Easter dinner.  Unfortunately, for some reason I didn’t take into account the bill I had on the list of things to do Saturday would take away most of the money. Then timing didn’t work out and half my family got stranded at a gas station while I was an hour away…  my plan breaking down and money disappearing and the guilt and shame in myself started the very quick downward spiral in my head.  By the time I had DH and the younger ones at the house to dye eggs, I was going back to pick up 16 who was 1/2 hour away because I wasn’t able to get her earlier when I’d planned to, so I missed the dyeing of eggs with my kids.. then when I was shopping for the food and basket stuff I realized I did not have enough money for everything, and the thought of ANOTHER holiday where my kids got crap instead of the nicer things just made me ill. I ended up taking money from the other account that had money set aside for a cash advance and told DH he’s just going to have to call them and tell them due to the holiday it would be late.  But for a moment there, I was standing in a grocery store completely unable to think. I could not decide what to make for dinner Sat night. I could not figure out how to pay for food for an Easter dinner and still get my kids stuff for baskets.  I ended up going to 4 different stores looking for stuff like jelly beans for under a dollar and 99 cent plushies. I felt horrible.  When I made the decision to use the other bill money, it allowed me to get the stuff I needed, but I could feel that my head hadn’t recovered. I managed to make dinner and eat, and I did think to put the leftovers away.  Then I sat down to watch a long movie with DH…  I had planned on doing my baking for Easter after the movie, but DH was sick and basically was acting like he needed me to go to bed to comfort him. I quickly made the baskets and set them out for the girls and then went to bed  and laid there and just stroked his hair til he fell asleep, then I went to sleep.

So, this morning I woke up around 10am realizing I hadn’t been woken up by happy screaming kids. Guess they weren’t uder thrilled with their baskets afterall.  Then I heard that my MIL’s dog had gotten ahold of one of the rabbits.. ironic huh?   Fortunately it wasn’t hurt, semms like maybe it had gotten out somehow and the dog was keeping it in the yard. Weird. We just decided bunnies are immune to dogs on Easter.

That’s when I realized my day was beginning to crumble…  my ham was still sitting in the fridge. It’s not precooked. I looked up directions for cooking it from the manufacturer’s website and they said to soak it for 12 hours and cook for 3 then let sit for 8 more….  Shit.  So, I figured maybe the package might say it’s not really that hard.  I was right, it said unwrap, put in oven with foil and cook 18 min per pound. Then it says slow cook til internal temp was something (can’t remember), So.. how long is that?  I have no idea. AND I have a cake that’s supposed to be cold and the topping needs  to be made ahead of time and sit on the cake in the fridge to soak into it and set up… I’ve not even baked the cake yet and the ham is in the oven for G-d knows how long.  So, I figured the cake HAD to be mixed no matter what, so I mix the stuff in a bowl, but realize the big bowl for the topping was in the dishwasher which was just started and it takes like 2 hours to finish…  then I pour the batter in the pan and think it looks weird… forgot the pineapple, damn.  Ok, so I scrape it back into the bowl, mix in the pineapple, pour back into the pan, but it still looks weird.  I forgot to add the water the first time I mixed it. By this time I was worried.  What else was I going to forget?  I finally got the cake mixed right and in the pan.  Who knows how it’ll bake. but there’s no room in the oven with the ham and it’s not the right temp anyway.  So, I decided to get the deviled eggs ready. I’d asked DH to boil an extra half dozen yesterday when he was doing the eggs with the kids. So I get them out, and go to get the stuff for the filling.. no mayo.

THEN I realized like a flood of crap coming at me at once that we’re supposed to go to MIL’s house an hour away and feed her stupid birds she says she told us to feed, and are probbaly dead by now (I am NOT taking responsibility for that), and DH said he’d run an online role playing game at 3pm.  So, when the hell are we going to eat?  When are we going to hide eggs for the girls?  Do they even care?  Ever since Mom died and my extended family stopped getting together on Easter, it’s not been the same.  I am so afraid of losing the traditions I grew up with and having Easter become just another day.

Anyway, I’m scared of forgetting so many things and being so absentminded and the feeling of hopelessness and being lost at the grocery store.  I’m afraid I’m getting an early onset of something I don’t even want to think about…  it scares me more than anything.  I don’t want to forget.

I hope everyone else is having a Great Easter.

Ok, so today is DH’s day off.  It’s been almost a whole month since we moved and the old trailer STILL has stuff in it.  So, I put my foot down and told DH he HAD to go and get a bunch of stuff.  Well, as you may or may not know, I work nights and sleep all morning. At 1pm, he was still home and surfing the web. I got up and showered and got ready and asked if he’d been over there yet.  No, he was waiting to see if I wanted to help.. SIGH.  He also hadn’t called around to home medical supply services to see about getting a replacement for his CPAP mask.  So we had to waste half an hour while I did the calling, and I also made an appt for him to see his new internal medicine specialist he never got around to seeing.

Finally at around 1:30 we set off for the old place. He got his book shelf and several boxes of books packed up and into the van.  I got a bunch of stuff from the kitchen and swept up two trashbags full of trash and dust.  The longer we’re here and then go see the old place in the state it’s in now…  I wonder how we ever managed to live in that filth as long as we did.  But in addition, I know now that we’ll never be able to sell it for much of anything really.  I think when we finally get everything out of the inside of it and finally move my Gazebo and outdoor furniture, then I’ll put an ad on Craigslist to see if I get any interest in it at $750.  I think even if I end up getting nothing but an offer of $500 that it’ll be worth it to not have to pay lot rent for another month in April and finally be able to say goodbye to that part of my life.  There are many memories associated with the old place, but it had mostly become the reason for my depression and the kids’ fighting and behavior issues and probably plenty of health issues. I’ll treasure the memories that make me smile though. And I look forward to making lots of new happy memories here in the new place.

Anyway, back to my reason for blogging… DH had said when he loaded the boxes of books into the van that he would gladly go through them tonight and get the bookshelf attached to the wall and filled with the books. …  Well, it’s now 10:25pm and he’s sitting in the living room with the TV blaring, typing away on his computer while I’m at work in my office area.   Now to be fair he did jump in and start washing the nasty dishes and stuff we brought with us from the old kitchen today.  Everything needed to be washed and scrubbed.  He also got the grill going and we had hotdogs and BBQ chicken for dinner.  But… it just doesn’t change the fact that he said he’d get these stacks of boxes of books taken care of.  The worst part is that it’s not something I can do myself out of desperation.  His books have to be in a certain order.

Over the last few weeks and days I have managed to get a lot unpacked and organized. I love my china cabinet I got at the used furniture store. It’s filled with Mom’s moss rose china and a few of the pieces I’ve collected myself.  I even decided to splurge with the tax refund and got my first piece of Jadite to start my collection.  I’ve always loved Jadite, but could never part with the money for any of it.  I got a batter bowl.  I love it!  This past Friday was also DH’s day off, so we went to his Mom’s house and got his grandparents’ antique art deco buffet and a solid wood, Ethan Allen round coffee table that she said was her ex-husband’s and she didn’t want it.  So, after a LOT of elbow grease and a bottle of English Oil I got the buffet and table looking fabulous.  One side of the buffet holds some games, and we put the most played games under the ottoman and the new round table which is now our end table in the corner next to the couch.

I should have taken pics of everything last night since it was looking so nice…  now it’s trashed again with boxes of the filthy crap we brought over from the old house and backpacks and socks and shoes thrown everywhere.  I have just about given up on teaching them to pick up after themselves … I know if it weren’t for me, that this house would look like the old one already.  6&11’s room is a disaster area, even though I went in there and cleaned it for them and organized the babydoll furniture etc. They just get stuff out, throw it down and refuse to put it away when done.  DH is no real help in this dept.  He lets them get away with so much when I’m working.

Well, it’s my lunch break at work, so I’d better get out there and clean up the mess they made during the first half of my shift.

I’ll try to get pics up soon.  I can’t find my camera cord

Ok… we are in the new house!! It has been a long and stressful and tiresome couple of weeks or so.  I will post a longer blog when I get time and sleep.  I’ve been going to bed right after work so I could get enough sleep to be awake during the day and run the errands that needed run.

Tonight will be my first night sleeping here in the new place. Wish me luck.  I REALLY hope the people next door aren’t loud in the mornings when I need to sleep.

Zzzzzzz

I called the lady about the trailer first thing this morning and asked if the couple who came after me put in an application for it, and she said that no, they were a no-show. YES!!!  Thanks for the prayers, they work!!!    I told her I wanted the trailer and was willing to drive to the bigger city where the office is to get the application in.  She said if I would do that, then they would go ahead and take it off the market and cancel the next showing they had for it this afternoon.  I managed to get about 2 more hours of sleep and then headed up there after noon and got the paper turned in and the check to hold it.   They were very nice people.  I met the landowner. She looked really nice. They have a big brick house just past the new developments in the city and that’s where they work out of.  Tons of work trucks and trailers.  They seem to be doing well and know what they’re doing.  The manager said she’d call me back tonight or tomorrow morning with the answer about whether they accept the application.

My 6 yr old was with me today since wasn’t feeling well this morning. So, I asked the manager if I could show the trailer to the kids and she was fine with it.  I drove by there on the way home and showed it to 6.  She wasn’t as impressed with the size of their room afterall, but I know from expereience that most 3rd bedrooms are the size of a closet.  She was jealous of the 2nd bedroom though.  It is huge.  Surely enough room to separate the bunks.

I noticed immediately that the hole in the wall where a dog had apparently clawed at the wall by the door to get out and ripped the sheetrock off, ..  the hole has been patched and the other area where the wallpaper had been shredded was patched.  So that impressed the heck out of me.  But I noticed that the thermostate is missing…  like wires poking out of the wall and nothing there.  So we can’t use the heat pump til that is replaced.  They’ll have to do that though since the heating is their responsibility before the 30 days is up.

Now I’m off to show 16 and 10 the trailer too.  12 is at an after school meeting.

Please GOD let us pass the application stage and let our W2s come today. Thank you. Amen.