The guy who said he’d buy our trailer for $300 down and then another $500 over 5 months has backed out because the landlord is an asshole.  So, after a few days of discussion DH and I decided to give it away.

I was sick today, some stomach bug or something but deinitely needed to be near a working bathroom all day (blech) and so couldn’t go work on cleaning out the old trailer like I’d planned. I decided to send 16 and her boyfriend over there to get as much done as they could. She said she got the living room and kitchen all clean, but didn’t touch the bedrooms which are what needed it the most of course.  While she was there I texted her to ask the neighbor who had backed out of buying if he would take the place for free.  We just asked that he’d pay April’s rent and give us one more week to get it all cleaned out and haul off the junk.  He said he’d mull it over and get back to me… he never called.

So, I put it on Freecycle.. or tried.  The ad never posted. I have no idea why.  So after a few hours I posted a short one and then sent the moderators an email asking why it was not approved and yes I really was giving away a 2 bedroom, 1 bath home.  Well, the co-mod wrote back and said she didn’t know why it was never approved, but now that she’d read about the place, she was interested in it for her adult kid who was paying too much for rent.  So I sent a very detailed email listing the stuff wrong with it and all the good stuff as well. It’s in an IDEAL location, (well other than the asshole landlord), and that helps a lot.  I mean hell, put about $5000 into the place and you could make it look like it was on HGTV. I know I could do it with that much anyway. heh. Well, she’s not replied either.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day to give away a house.

Oh, and a couple days ago, DH had mentioned there was an email for him at work about bonuses and how to check what his would be etc.  He was set to get $3400…  but today he came home and said his store didn’t meat the goal to get hte bonus.  DAMN.  That money could have changed our lives.  It would have paid off his old medical bills and gotten us out of cash advances and right where we need to be.. a clean slate.  But no… we’re still a year behind on Dr bills and almost 2 months behind on electric.  I’m sick of having no money and  being so damn far behind.  I knew my ideas on money were really changing the last couple of times DH and I went to eat lunch together, I felt guilty. I know we need to pay these bills and get them off our backs. I’d rather have a PB&J sandwich and send the $20 we’d spend on lunch out to a Dr or save for his medication.

Ok, first of all, a few new things.  DH did indeed call the credit card company back which amazed me because he HATES talking on the phone.  But I had explained to him that we could NOT afford to make a $280 payment to that card, and that the website said the minimum was $105.  So he called and cancelled the 280 pmt and set one up for 105. Of course they had to charge a fee of $11.95 to set up the pmt…  right cause it actually costs them that much money.  Whatever. At least all the credit cards and shopping charge accounts will be paid current by Tuesday.

About the therapy,…  well after an altercation between 12 and me that resulted me in actually throwing something at her (not to hit her just to scare her – she’d been literally punching 10 and ran when I got close enough) and I ended up breaking the glass in the frame of my favorite picture – I told DH the child had to medicated or I did, and probably both of us.  I also told him he needed to find me a Dr and make me an appt cause I would not do it myself.  So when 12’s therapist appt came up, he went in with her and they talked about everything that’s been going on and how therapy is NOT working though we’re paying out the ass for it (or will whenever I get around to paying these medical bills piling up argh) and how she needs to be on something.  The therapist had recommended a light dose of Zoloft, but we read it can cause suicidal thoughts in children.  She said she’d never seen it in any of her patients and she has prescribed it to 7 yr olds (can you imagine??) … so we just have to set up a Dr appt for 12 with her pediatrician to do blood tests to make sure she’s healthy enough to take the meds. ….  then…

He talked to the therapist about me.  Seems they had already decided I needed help (the shoe thowing incident didn’t help my case any) and since this therapist already knew about the history with 12, said she could take me in on Friday. I am NOT going to her!  I cannot get DH to understand I can’t talk to this woman.  I was talking about it at work in the chatroom and oddly enough a lot of them have been in therapy and said it’s imperative that I find someone I’m comfortable talking to.  I don’t like this woman. It bothers me enough that 12 talks to her.  I am NOT going to her.  But I have no idea how to find someone else…

I was going to go see Friend today just to talk things out and use him as a therapist, since that’s what friends are for..  but he’s been throwing up since Monday and finally texted me to tell me this morning, after I’d already planned to drive there and everything.  But he was sick, so I guess it’s excused.  At least I didn’t go.  I have not slept since 3pm on Wednesday, it is now 9am on Thursday.  I have to pay 2 cash advances and renew them, pay the electric bill and water bill before they come to collect in person and charge the trip fee, and then deposit money back into the bank account to cover stuff that might go through today.  DH’s paycheck should get deposited tonight since Monday is a holiday, but I never know.  I couldn’t sleep after my shift this morning, and now I’m so out of it I can barely see the keys. I guess I’d better try to get a nap before going to pay bills…  I just KNOW the guy will come to collect the electric bill money today. Mark my words – he always comes right before I go to pay it myself. Never fails. … someday I want to be able to pay it as soon as we get the bill out of money in the bank not waiting on the next paycheck.  Hah that sounds so easy, yet seems to be so damn hard to accomplish.

So, off to nap, hopefully my dreams will not be of therapists and bill collectors!

Of all the years, how can this one be the hardest one on us? DH got promoted to management making over double (almost triple) what he was making, and I got on at full time hours with benefits, making $10/hr to help out as well.  So, why is it that we are now supposedly no longer under the povert level (according to the school free/reduced lunch policy anyway)… why is it that we had to use a Fingerhut account we just got pre-approved for to get gifts for the kids, and why do we only have $11 in the bank after DH just got a paycheck for over $900??  I do NOT get it!!  I got some stocking stuffers for the kids at Dollar Tree and am considering taking them back to get my money back so we can get more groceries for Christmas dinner and to get more gas.  In fact, I think DH is going to have to get a cash advance to make sure we have money for cheapy gifts to take to the white elephant exchange at my sister’s on the 27th, food for Christmas and gas to get to my hometown and back…  plus 16’s ex boyfriend is flying down from NJ to spend the week. Thank GOD he’ll be in a motel instead of our house, but still, they’ll be hanging out here a lot since she’s not allowed to go to his hotel.

As for my mood… the closure with Brit might not have worked as well as I hoped.  His Facebook page says he’s now in a relationship with the girl he met up with in his hometown. They sned little hugs and kisses and hearts to each other on Facebook. Each one is like an arrow through my heart like they used to show on Ally McBeal. I want him to be happy. I do. But I want it to stop hurting so damn bad.  He even put up a status that he’s getting drunk with this new girl…  he doesn’t drink.  I’ve known his 9 years and was always proud of being a tee-totaller non-drinker.  I admired that about hi… has he changed so much that he’ll give up his stance on drinking for some girl? I know it’s just a stupid little thing, but my emotional stability is wonky at beast anyway.

I am still slipping into a horrible depression. The worst I’ve ever felt. I cry all day off and on and I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think Friend and I will get to email each other til after New years.  My friend I chat to in California doesn’t know about me and the Brit (he’s a mutual friend) and would probably stop talking to me if he knew I’d ever cheated on DH (he’s all about fidelity)…  so I have no one I can actually talk to. If it weren’t for this blog, I really have no idea how I’d deal with this poison inside of me.

Other crap to whine about…  the house is too damn small and cramped. There’s no room for people to visit. My 16 yr old just wants her b/f to come over constantly, but it’s too crowded already. I baked a ton of stuff for gifts, and there’s nothing left for my own family. There is a 3 br house up on a ridge with a mountain view for $500 a month, and I doubt they’ll take pets and I doubt I’d ever be able to deal with a $500 rent pmt anyway. I can’t seem to pay off a single bill as it is.

My laptop was the victim of one of my rage outburts and I destroyed the hard drive.  Now I’m having to use my husband’s laptop which is duct taped together at the moment.   Just one more thing to have to spend money on.

My tax refund will be gone before we get it.

Someone wake me when this damn holiday is over……