Friend came over on Saturday to help dig up the flowers at the old place that my Mom had given me 16 years ago.  His wife and two new foster kids came with him. They sat on the steps to the place and watched as he and I dug up stuff.  I guess they wanted to get out of the house and come to the bigger town.

Saturday was also the 20th anniversary of my car accident that messed up my back and has left some memory loss issues I still deal with. My best friend at the time was also killed in that wreck.  I can’t believe it’s been 20 years.

It was also 16’s junior prom.  I helped with her hair, and a friend came over to do her makeup. She looked great, and later said she had a great time.

We’ve still not heard back from the people who wanted the trailer.  I sent the woman an email, so hopefully tomorrow we’ll find out something.  I want this to happen so bad.  I need that $140+ a month we’re paying for rent on that lot, and I want these people to be able to have it since they see the potential.

I almost could not believe it… Brit is on Facebook and it’s been difficult over the past few months to watch him and his new girlfriend practically make out thru FB statuses and messages I could see. But finally after deciding to stop talking to him altogether and not try to salvage the friendship, it became a lot easier. In fact I am now completely over him. BUT I saw the most amazing photo last night/this morning. I even sent it to Friend to get his opinion. In all of the pics before now, Brit’’s new gf has had thick rimmed glasses on… but in the new one he posted, she’s not wearing any. Guess who she looks like… ME! I was like, I don’t remember this picture being taken, then I realized it wasn’t me, it was her LOL!! It was seriously uncanny. She’s a 10 yr younger me, exactly what he’s always wanted. Well, to be sure I wasn’t imagining it, I sent the pic to Friend. He replied it looked just like me and I should be flattered. It’s obvious, he says, that Brit is thinking of me “everytime he slips it to her.” LOL!! Then today when DH came home for lunch, I randomly asked him who the pic looked like and he smirked. He said he wasn’t going to say anything but when he saw it on FB, he immediately saw that Brit had found a replacement for me. Both he and Friend said I should feel flattered LOL. I’m still snickering. It seriously made my day. Ok, gotta run and get kids and run errands etc. have a glorious day!!!

Ok, first of all, a few new things.  DH did indeed call the credit card company back which amazed me because he HATES talking on the phone.  But I had explained to him that we could NOT afford to make a $280 payment to that card, and that the website said the minimum was $105.  So he called and cancelled the 280 pmt and set one up for 105. Of course they had to charge a fee of $11.95 to set up the pmt…  right cause it actually costs them that much money.  Whatever. At least all the credit cards and shopping charge accounts will be paid current by Tuesday.

About the therapy,…  well after an altercation between 12 and me that resulted me in actually throwing something at her (not to hit her just to scare her – she’d been literally punching 10 and ran when I got close enough) and I ended up breaking the glass in the frame of my favorite picture – I told DH the child had to medicated or I did, and probably both of us.  I also told him he needed to find me a Dr and make me an appt cause I would not do it myself.  So when 12’s therapist appt came up, he went in with her and they talked about everything that’s been going on and how therapy is NOT working though we’re paying out the ass for it (or will whenever I get around to paying these medical bills piling up argh) and how she needs to be on something.  The therapist had recommended a light dose of Zoloft, but we read it can cause suicidal thoughts in children.  She said she’d never seen it in any of her patients and she has prescribed it to 7 yr olds (can you imagine??) … so we just have to set up a Dr appt for 12 with her pediatrician to do blood tests to make sure she’s healthy enough to take the meds. ….  then…

He talked to the therapist about me.  Seems they had already decided I needed help (the shoe thowing incident didn’t help my case any) and since this therapist already knew about the history with 12, said she could take me in on Friday. I am NOT going to her!  I cannot get DH to understand I can’t talk to this woman.  I was talking about it at work in the chatroom and oddly enough a lot of them have been in therapy and said it’s imperative that I find someone I’m comfortable talking to.  I don’t like this woman. It bothers me enough that 12 talks to her.  I am NOT going to her.  But I have no idea how to find someone else…

I was going to go see Friend today just to talk things out and use him as a therapist, since that’s what friends are for..  but he’s been throwing up since Monday and finally texted me to tell me this morning, after I’d already planned to drive there and everything.  But he was sick, so I guess it’s excused.  At least I didn’t go.  I have not slept since 3pm on Wednesday, it is now 9am on Thursday.  I have to pay 2 cash advances and renew them, pay the electric bill and water bill before they come to collect in person and charge the trip fee, and then deposit money back into the bank account to cover stuff that might go through today.  DH’s paycheck should get deposited tonight since Monday is a holiday, but I never know.  I couldn’t sleep after my shift this morning, and now I’m so out of it I can barely see the keys. I guess I’d better try to get a nap before going to pay bills…  I just KNOW the guy will come to collect the electric bill money today. Mark my words – he always comes right before I go to pay it myself. Never fails. … someday I want to be able to pay it as soon as we get the bill out of money in the bank not waiting on the next paycheck.  Hah that sounds so easy, yet seems to be so damn hard to accomplish.

So, off to nap, hopefully my dreams will not be of therapists and bill collectors!

Let me start by saying our tax refund cannot come soon enough.

I have some bills I have GOT to get paid off. I was hoping they didn’t go to collections and end up on our credit reports that I have been trying for a year to improve… but I got to thinking after a year of trying to improve them and they’re still about the same, what the hell is the f***ing point?  We can’t afford a mortgage anyway, and no one will loan to us with a bankruptcy on our records anyway, wo wht do I care. So, I am just not going to worry about them until the tax refund comes, then pay off the oldest ones and pay a bunch to the hospital for DH’s stupid fake heart attack acid reflux attack. It’s shit like that that’s making it impossible for us to move.  Not only was there a hospital bill, but a slew of Dr bills since they all bill separately, then radiologists, pathologists, surgeons, etc. THANK GOD FOR BLUE CROSS however.  The bills all came to around $25,000, and we only have to pay about $2000 of that…  but that’s $2000 I don’t have at the moment.  So it comes out of the tax refund plus the $500 or so in misc old medical bills I should have paid last year but didn’t because I am an idiot with money. And then I have to save $1500 to have for DH’s new medical stuff and Rx since we switched to a higher deductible plan so it’s cheaper…  I’m beginning to think that was a bad idea.  I think this plan is for healthy people.  Crap.  I *think* DH’s whole life insurance policy takes affect for the full amount soon.  I’m sure I’m paying too much for it, but we were idiots and didn’t get life insurance before his heart attack and now he’s bascially uninsurable.  He has life insurance through work that’s supposed to pay one year’s salary, but it still shows his old salary of $18,000, and now he makes $34,000.  They’d better be changing it, but he needs to inquire, and I’m unsure how to approach Dh about it.
“Honey, you need to talk to your employer. Your life insurance isn’t going to pay me enough if you die… unexpectedly”  LOL  No, I’m not going to kill my husband.  He’s worth more alive!How the hell long would $34000 last me? HAH not long enough I assure you.  Especially not when my ADD stupid idiotic self got ahold of it.

I just want to get SOMETHING accomplished.  I want to stop owing people a crapload of money, I want to stop living paycheck to paycheck and have a ton of cash advances over my head. I want to take some of that tax refund and call up the immigrant workers who do maintenance for the trailer park and have them come replace my front door with a shiney new one that opens inward and has a storm door and and actually closes and locks and everything!!  THAT will be so amazing.

Friend (from my hometown) has agreed via emails to come over and help me install the hardwood laminate flooring in my living room when it’s time to do it.  That’s the next thing to do after we get the door fixed. OMG I CANNOT wait!!!!  I’ve already found the laminate I want. It’s a pretty color and is the cheapest Lowe’s carries.  I don’t want to spend a fortune on this place when it more than likely will not end up making this place worth a great deal more money.  An older remodeled and updated trailer can got for a lot (compared to untouched old dated trailer), but the more I can save the better.  I want quality still, but it doesn’t need to be the kind they advertise on TV.

Dh’s first paycheck of the year has come and bascially gone. I don’t get paid again til the 15th, but I paid the internet bill so i can keep working, (although our router died today BAH!)  and I paid the rent without getting a late fee! Yay me! I paid back 16’s friend who had loaned me $100 so I could feed the kids when I took him and 16 sight seeing in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge when he was visiting last week. Paid off DH’s cash advance and did not get a new one YAY!!  But we spent more than we should have at the mall  when 16 and I went and then when DH and I went.  But to be honest, his check was huge, over $1000 and we hadn’t been able to really do anything nice in FOREVER.   Not all the bills are paid and we still need to buy groceries to last til the 15th. Just a week now really.  The girls all have money in their lunch accounts, so we’re good there.  I just have to hope the electric company and water dept don’t go demanding to be paid since they are late. I know I could have paid them if we hadn’t wasted a couple hundred or more out and about, and that bugs me and bring out the GUILT.  I hate guilt.

I did get a nice surprise today! DH brought in the mail. It was damp from the incessant rain, collections agencies, bounced check alert, medical bills, and one envelope from my employer out in California.  If you don’t know, I telecommute to work, and actually work for two companies, one in WA state and one in CA.  I thought it might have something to do with taxes, so I open it up, and it’s a single sheet of paper with a big smiley face on it that says “WOW!!  You are appreciated! Thank you for your effort in 2008. Now let’s cheer for a Happy New Year!” and folded up inside the paper was a business card of the HR lady and a $50 bill!!!!  I opened it and was like What the F***?!  It seemed very strange, yet this company does very strange things. I’m not complaining. I’m guessing the $50 is gonna go to help buy groceries since I already splurged more than I wanted.

I’d like to put aside toward a new iPhone for DH.  He saw one at Best Buy and after trying all the other phones and not liking them, he fell in love with the iPhone.  He does need a good reliable phone since he is beginning to have to travel to other stores in his job, and his current phone is on its last legs.  He told me tonight he found out (no idea how)  that AT&T gives a discount of 23% to people with a discount card from DH’s company.  AWESOME!   So, yeah he’s getting an iPhone for Valentines Day…  well if AT&T will approve the two year service plan anyway.  Like I said our credit sucks.  But I’m paying over $30 a month for his minutes on his phone now and he hates his plan and phone and it’s roaming if you leave like the county.  The iPhone plan I’m getting him is $90/month (well before fees and taxes I guess) so not terrible more expensive after the initial $200 for the phone.  He works hard (at work) and deserves to have something new and shiney.

Ok enough rambling.  Good night!