I almost could not believe it… Brit is on Facebook and it’s been difficult over the past few months to watch him and his new girlfriend practically make out thru FB statuses and messages I could see. But finally after deciding to stop talking to him altogether and not try to salvage the friendship, it became a lot easier. In fact I am now completely over him. BUT I saw the most amazing photo last night/this morning. I even sent it to Friend to get his opinion. In all of the pics before now, Brit’’s new gf has had thick rimmed glasses on… but in the new one he posted, she’s not wearing any. Guess who she looks like… ME! I was like, I don’t remember this picture being taken, then I realized it wasn’t me, it was her LOL!! It was seriously uncanny. She’s a 10 yr younger me, exactly what he’s always wanted. Well, to be sure I wasn’t imagining it, I sent the pic to Friend. He replied it looked just like me and I should be flattered. It’s obvious, he says, that Brit is thinking of me “everytime he slips it to her.” LOL!! Then today when DH came home for lunch, I randomly asked him who the pic looked like and he smirked. He said he wasn’t going to say anything but when he saw it on FB, he immediately saw that Brit had found a replacement for me. Both he and Friend said I should feel flattered LOL. I’m still snickering. It seriously made my day. Ok, gotta run and get kids and run errands etc. have a glorious day!!!

I think I may have mentioned “my” Brit has a facebook page. I thought once that it was wonderful,… but now all it does it alert me over and over when he uses one of the cutesy apps to “make out with”, “cuddle”, or “get naughty with” his new girlfriend.  In fact his latest Status line is “loves ****** so much words can’t do it justice.”  Did I mention he hadn’t even seen this girl since he was in school until he went back home on Christmas break?  And suddenly he’s so in love he can’t see straight?  Can we say “desperate’?   I mean, I want to be happy for him since we were best friends first and foremost. I’ve always been able to talk to him about anything. .. well until the last year or so. We’ve grown apart due to his schedule and the time zones.  Anyway his new relationship is one of the things I want to be able to just deal with and get on with my life.  It’s not the first. Hell he lived with another girl for 2-3 years and they just broke up and are in fact still house mates due to housing costs.  When he and she got together, now THAT was heartbreak.  OMG I literally thought I was going to die.  So, I guess it puts this in perspective.  The hurt I feel now is nothing compared to what I felt then… so I guess I’m really finally getting over him for good. Oh I will always love him dearly and passionately. But he has a right to live his own life, and I truly do want him to be happy. …  I guess I just wish I didn’t have to see them playing kissy face on Facebook.

I can NOT wait til he gets back to his computer and I can talk to him on IM and see if he plans on replying to my email. last time I talked to him it was very snuggly and comfy, like the old friends that we are, reminiscing about the times we’ve had…. very much as if it was all in past tense. And I know in my heart it will likely never happen again unless we meet again when we’re in our 50s or 60s .. but it will still be different then.  I know it’s all over. But with this relationship, I can’t just break it off clean and wish him well..  he is my youngest daughter’s godfather and is still my best friend.

I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU FOREVER MY SEXY BRIT!!!!

Just needed to get all of that off my chest.  I feel better now.

Of all the years, how can this one be the hardest one on us? DH got promoted to management making over double (almost triple) what he was making, and I got on at full time hours with benefits, making $10/hr to help out as well.  So, why is it that we are now supposedly no longer under the povert level (according to the school free/reduced lunch policy anyway)… why is it that we had to use a Fingerhut account we just got pre-approved for to get gifts for the kids, and why do we only have $11 in the bank after DH just got a paycheck for over $900??  I do NOT get it!!  I got some stocking stuffers for the kids at Dollar Tree and am considering taking them back to get my money back so we can get more groceries for Christmas dinner and to get more gas.  In fact, I think DH is going to have to get a cash advance to make sure we have money for cheapy gifts to take to the white elephant exchange at my sister’s on the 27th, food for Christmas and gas to get to my hometown and back…  plus 16’s ex boyfriend is flying down from NJ to spend the week. Thank GOD he’ll be in a motel instead of our house, but still, they’ll be hanging out here a lot since she’s not allowed to go to his hotel.

As for my mood… the closure with Brit might not have worked as well as I hoped.  His Facebook page says he’s now in a relationship with the girl he met up with in his hometown. They sned little hugs and kisses and hearts to each other on Facebook. Each one is like an arrow through my heart like they used to show on Ally McBeal. I want him to be happy. I do. But I want it to stop hurting so damn bad.  He even put up a status that he’s getting drunk with this new girl…  he doesn’t drink.  I’ve known his 9 years and was always proud of being a tee-totaller non-drinker.  I admired that about hi… has he changed so much that he’ll give up his stance on drinking for some girl? I know it’s just a stupid little thing, but my emotional stability is wonky at beast anyway.

I am still slipping into a horrible depression. The worst I’ve ever felt. I cry all day off and on and I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think Friend and I will get to email each other til after New years.  My friend I chat to in California doesn’t know about me and the Brit (he’s a mutual friend) and would probably stop talking to me if he knew I’d ever cheated on DH (he’s all about fidelity)…  so I have no one I can actually talk to. If it weren’t for this blog, I really have no idea how I’d deal with this poison inside of me.

Other crap to whine about…  the house is too damn small and cramped. There’s no room for people to visit. My 16 yr old just wants her b/f to come over constantly, but it’s too crowded already. I baked a ton of stuff for gifts, and there’s nothing left for my own family. There is a 3 br house up on a ridge with a mountain view for $500 a month, and I doubt they’ll take pets and I doubt I’d ever be able to deal with a $500 rent pmt anyway. I can’t seem to pay off a single bill as it is.

My laptop was the victim of one of my rage outburts and I destroyed the hard drive.  Now I’m having to use my husband’s laptop which is duct taped together at the moment.   Just one more thing to have to spend money on.

My tax refund will be gone before we get it.

Someone wake me when this damn holiday is over……

Back in November, I started telling the story of My Brit . Today I feel the need to talk about him more.

After we hugged for the first time there in the bus station, we got his luggage and went out to the van. When he got into the front seat of the van, there was a note there waiting for him. I forget the exact words now, but it basically said, “We’ve been so close online, but were afraid we’d be too shy in person to be comfortable with each other.. so in order to break the ice, lean over now and kiss me” And he did… and the rest is a story I might continue someday…

But for now, I wanted to say I think I am going to be OK. I had to get closure. I had to put a part of life behind me before I could move on. I feel so much weight lifted off of me.

The way I will always remember my Brit was the last time I visited him in England… as I was having to say goodbye at the airport we were able to kiss each other and not cry (I cried later). At that time, I knew everything was going to be OK. That no matter if he got married and had his own litter of kids and I never got the nerve to leave my husband… that he and I would always love each other. I was able to walk away from him loving him, and knowing he loved me, and nothing in the world would ever change that. That is how I will always remember my Brit.

Since then, he’s visited here once more and said he fell in love with me all over again and the passion was renewed, but was short lived as he had to go back home. He’s single again and has found a new girl whom he’s going to see over Christmas vacation… it’s been hard to deal with this going on all over again, and I knew I needed closure. He’s been very distant, I guess doing the only thing he knows to make it easier on us both. We’ve gone from running home to get online to see each other and talk on IMs til the sun came up… to saying “hi, how’s it going?” about once a week…

So, I needed to write him one last love letter. And since I made this blog to get this stuff out in the open so it didn’t eat me alive… here is my letter….

My Dearest (Brit – it’s still an anonymous blog )…

I will try to have this be the last time I bring up the past. I know it’s behind us, and you deserve to be happy and move on with your life. I just had to get a few things off my chest. We hardly seem to talk at all anymore, and you’ve made it pretty clear you want distance between us, so I felt this was the best way to say it all. I hope you at least read it once, but it’s up to you.

I want to thank you for always being there for me… way more often than I was there for you it seems. You helped me through some very hard times in my life, and I would like to think we helped each other grow into the people we’ve become. You’ve been a big part of my life, and you always will be. Nothing will erase the memories we made. You’ve been so loving and so patient. I look back on things and I can’t help but think I really was bad for you in so many ways. I stole so many years from you.. you gave them willingly, but I’m sure you wish you had those years back. I never wanted to be a regret, but I’m afraid I am. So, like I said in the IM today, I am sorry. But I did love you and I still do, and always will. I believe you feel the same, even if its down deep. I never knew the feeling of having someone “fall” in love with me before, or the passion and burning desire I felt for you and saw in your eyes even from across the room. You not only saved my life, but you gave me one to live.

We’ve tried to part ways so many times, just to be heart broken again later… but this time it feels like we’ve finally grown apart. I think that makes me sadder than anything else. I will always cherish the memories we have together. You will always be in my heart, and I will always be here … forever.

Through out the years of our relationship, music has been a huge part of our connection to one another. From Tim McGraw’s My Best Friend, to Daniel Bedingfield’s If You’re Not The One and Everything But The Girl’s Missing You I’d like to add one more to it if you wouldn’t mind giving me one last moment… This song reminds me of you. No matter how old we get or how far apart we get… I will always feel it all over again Everytime I Hear Your Name…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IS1fKN3_qzg&feature=related

Everytime I Hear Your Name by Keith Anderson

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin’ little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin’ by your place.
Back makin’ the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein’ some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin’ right out of the blue sky.
And it’s the fifth of May, and I’m right there starin’ in your eyes.
And nothin’s changed, and we’re still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I’m hangin’ on to every word rollin’ off of your lips:
And that’s all it takes, and I’m in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life; everyone thinks she’ll make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she’s the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young.
But it’s way too soon to be talkin’ ’bout rings; don’t wanna rush into anything.
She’s getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.
And she talks about him every once in a while, and I just nod my head and smile,
’cause I know exactly what she’s goin’ through; yeah, I’ve been there too.

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a “you were the only one for me”,
Kinda thoughts, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can’t go back but I still go back.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I’m in your arms about to make love for the first time,
And that’s all it takes, and I’m in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

I stop thinkin’ ’bout the words I left unsaid.
(Every time I hear your name.)
I stop tryin’ the change the things I can’t change.
(Every time I hear your name.)
In my heart I know you’re gone, but in my head,

I feel rain fallin’ right out of the blue sky.
And it’s the fifth of May, and I’m right there starin’ in your eyes.
That’s all it takes, and I’m in that place.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I’m in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And I can’t explain, but I’m in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Every time I hear your name.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Ooh, ooooooooh, ooh, ooooooooh.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Aaaaah aaaaaaah.
Every time I hear your name.

I hope you will think of me fondly and as more than a friend from time to time.

I Miss You and Love You Forever and Always …. for eternity

– ******
Your Kitten
Your Best Friend
Forever