That’s what I have, good days and bad days. Well, everyone does, right? But mine aren’t about normal stuff… mine’s about how well my brain is working.
I don’t know if it’s due to the head injury I had when I was 18 in a car wreck, or if it’s just some chemical thing. On good days, I am normal – like everyone else. I can get up and do my normal routine around the house, remember to eat, greet my kids when they get home, get the kitchen cleaned up and make dinner and get to work on time… then there are days like yesterday and today. It *really* sucks when I get them in a row…
Actually this started Friday night. I made a list of things we needed to do and in what order for our activitied Saturday. Also running in the back of my mind was how much money I’d have to get Easter basket stuff and food for Sat night dinner and Easter dinner. Unfortunately, for some reason I didn’t take into account the bill I had on the list of things to do Saturday would take away most of the money. Then timing didn’t work out and half my family got stranded at a gas station while I was an hour away… my plan breaking down and money disappearing and the guilt and shame in myself started the very quick downward spiral in my head. By the time I had DH and the younger ones at the house to dye eggs, I was going back to pick up 16 who was 1/2 hour away because I wasn’t able to get her earlier when I’d planned to, so I missed the dyeing of eggs with my kids.. then when I was shopping for the food and basket stuff I realized I did not have enough money for everything, and the thought of ANOTHER holiday where my kids got crap instead of the nicer things just made me ill. I ended up taking money from the other account that had money set aside for a cash advance and told DH he’s just going to have to call them and tell them due to the holiday it would be late. But for a moment there, I was standing in a grocery store completely unable to think. I could not decide what to make for dinner Sat night. I could not figure out how to pay for food for an Easter dinner and still get my kids stuff for baskets. I ended up going to 4 different stores looking for stuff like jelly beans for under a dollar and 99 cent plushies. I felt horrible. When I made the decision to use the other bill money, it allowed me to get the stuff I needed, but I could feel that my head hadn’t recovered. I managed to make dinner and eat, and I did think to put the leftovers away. Then I sat down to watch a long movie with DH… I had planned on doing my baking for Easter after the movie, but DH was sick and basically was acting like he needed me to go to bed to comfort him. I quickly made the baskets and set them out for the girls and then went to bed and laid there and just stroked his hair til he fell asleep, then I went to sleep.
So, this morning I woke up around 10am realizing I hadn’t been woken up by happy screaming kids. Guess they weren’t uder thrilled with their baskets afterall. Then I heard that my MIL’s dog had gotten ahold of one of the rabbits.. ironic huh? Fortunately it wasn’t hurt, semms like maybe it had gotten out somehow and the dog was keeping it in the yard. Weird. We just decided bunnies are immune to dogs on Easter.
That’s when I realized my day was beginning to crumble… my ham was still sitting in the fridge. It’s not precooked. I looked up directions for cooking it from the manufacturer’s website and they said to soak it for 12 hours and cook for 3 then let sit for 8 more…. Shit. So, I figured maybe the package might say it’s not really that hard. I was right, it said unwrap, put in oven with foil and cook 18 min per pound. Then it says slow cook til internal temp was something (can’t remember), So.. how long is that? I have no idea. AND I have a cake that’s supposed to be cold and the topping needs to be made ahead of time and sit on the cake in the fridge to soak into it and set up… I’ve not even baked the cake yet and the ham is in the oven for G-d knows how long. So, I figured the cake HAD to be mixed no matter what, so I mix the stuff in a bowl, but realize the big bowl for the topping was in the dishwasher which was just started and it takes like 2 hours to finish… then I pour the batter in the pan and think it looks weird… forgot the pineapple, damn. Ok, so I scrape it back into the bowl, mix in the pineapple, pour back into the pan, but it still looks weird. I forgot to add the water the first time I mixed it. By this time I was worried. What else was I going to forget? I finally got the cake mixed right and in the pan. Who knows how it’ll bake. but there’s no room in the oven with the ham and it’s not the right temp anyway. So, I decided to get the deviled eggs ready. I’d asked DH to boil an extra half dozen yesterday when he was doing the eggs with the kids. So I get them out, and go to get the stuff for the filling.. no mayo.
THEN I realized like a flood of crap coming at me at once that we’re supposed to go to MIL’s house an hour away and feed her stupid birds she says she told us to feed, and are probbaly dead by now (I am NOT taking responsibility for that), and DH said he’d run an online role playing game at 3pm. So, when the hell are we going to eat? When are we going to hide eggs for the girls? Do they even care? Ever since Mom died and my extended family stopped getting together on Easter, it’s not been the same. I am so afraid of losing the traditions I grew up with and having Easter become just another day.
Anyway, I’m scared of forgetting so many things and being so absentminded and the feeling of hopelessness and being lost at the grocery store. I’m afraid I’m getting an early onset of something I don’t even want to think about… it scares me more than anything. I don’t want to forget.
I hope everyone else is having a Great Easter.
