Of all the years, how can this one be the hardest one on us? DH got promoted to management making over double (almost triple) what he was making, and I got on at full time hours with benefits, making $10/hr to help out as well. So, why is it that we are now supposedly no longer under the povert level (according to the school free/reduced lunch policy anyway)… why is it that we had to use a Fingerhut account we just got pre-approved for to get gifts for the kids, and why do we only have $11 in the bank after DH just got a paycheck for over $900?? I do NOT get it!! I got some stocking stuffers for the kids at Dollar Tree and am considering taking them back to get my money back so we can get more groceries for Christmas dinner and to get more gas. In fact, I think DH is going to have to get a cash advance to make sure we have money for cheapy gifts to take to the white elephant exchange at my sister’s on the 27th, food for Christmas and gas to get to my hometown and back… plus 16’s ex boyfriend is flying down from NJ to spend the week. Thank GOD he’ll be in a motel instead of our house, but still, they’ll be hanging out here a lot since she’s not allowed to go to his hotel.
As for my mood… the closure with Brit might not have worked as well as I hoped. His Facebook page says he’s now in a relationship with the girl he met up with in his hometown. They sned little hugs and kisses and hearts to each other on Facebook. Each one is like an arrow through my heart like they used to show on Ally McBeal. I want him to be happy. I do. But I want it to stop hurting so damn bad. He even put up a status that he’s getting drunk with this new girl… he doesn’t drink. I’ve known his 9 years and was always proud of being a tee-totaller non-drinker. I admired that about hi… has he changed so much that he’ll give up his stance on drinking for some girl? I know it’s just a stupid little thing, but my emotional stability is wonky at beast anyway.
I am still slipping into a horrible depression. The worst I’ve ever felt. I cry all day off and on and I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think Friend and I will get to email each other til after New years. My friend I chat to in California doesn’t know about me and the Brit (he’s a mutual friend) and would probably stop talking to me if he knew I’d ever cheated on DH (he’s all about fidelity)… so I have no one I can actually talk to. If it weren’t for this blog, I really have no idea how I’d deal with this poison inside of me.
Other crap to whine about… the house is too damn small and cramped. There’s no room for people to visit. My 16 yr old just wants her b/f to come over constantly, but it’s too crowded already. I baked a ton of stuff for gifts, and there’s nothing left for my own family. There is a 3 br house up on a ridge with a mountain view for $500 a month, and I doubt they’ll take pets and I doubt I’d ever be able to deal with a $500 rent pmt anyway. I can’t seem to pay off a single bill as it is.
My laptop was the victim of one of my rage outburts and I destroyed the hard drive. Now I’m having to use my husband’s laptop which is duct taped together at the moment. Just one more thing to have to spend money on.
My tax refund will be gone before we get it.
Someone wake me when this damn holiday is over……
1 Comment
December 23, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Sorry you are feeling so badly. Christmas is quite depressing for many people, but I hope 2009 will bring mnay good things for you and your family. I hope you are able to talk with a counselor in your hometown. That may not solve everything, but it couldn’t hurt. You shouldn’t have to go on feeling this way.
Jennifer